From the 1905 musical “The Umpire”.
Words by Hough & Adams.
Music by Jos. E. Howard.
The sheet music:
Accompaniment by James Pitt-Payne:
Lyrics
- An umpire is a cross between
A bullfrog and a goat
He has a mouth that’s flannel-lined
And brass tubes in his throat
He needs a cool and level head
That isn’t hard to hit
So, when the fans beat up his frame
They’ll have a nice place to sit
The only job that’s worse
Is driver on a hearse
Refrain
How’d you like to be an umpire
Work like his is merely play
He don’t even have to ask for
All the things that come his way
When the crowd yells, “Knock his block off”
“Soak him good”, says every fan
Then who wants to be an umpire
The brickbats whiz, when he gets his
For the umpire is a most unhappy man
- Napoleon and Washington
Were generals of old
Their lightest word moved regiments
And armies we are told
Where’er they led, men followed them
But only came for hire
Just think of all that gratis come
To follow the bold umpire
He leads them with such vim
Because they’re chasing him
Chorus
How’d you like to be a camel
He don’t ever mind the heat
He has seven lovely stomachs
They’re all full of things to eat
But he travels without drinking
Seven days to say the least
So, who wants to be a camel
Without a drink? Well, I don’t think
For the camel is a most unhappy beast
Chorus
How’d you like to be a mermaid
Live below the glassy sea
Why if you could swim like she can
What a cinch this life would be
But suppose she took a street car
‘Spose the cable broke in two
Then, who’d want to be a mermaid
Gee, what shock, She couldn’t walk
Wonder what the dickens would a mermaid do
Sung here by Laurence Rubenstein: