If the Managers Only Thought the Same as Mother

From the 1910 musical “The Jolly Bachelors”.
Words by Irving Berlin.
Music by Ted Snyder.

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The sheet music:

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Accompaniment by James Pitt-Payne:

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Lyrics

1. There’s no mistake that I can act
   I’m talented and that’s a fact
   I know, because my mother told me so
   She kept a house for actor folks
   And listened to their funny jokes
   So now I guess my mother ought to know
   But managers are awful dense
   It seems to me they have no sense
   I know my darling mother wouldn’t lie
   She thinks I’m better than the best
   But managers think I’m a pest
   And all they say id, “Go somewhere and die”

Chorus
If the managers only thought the same as mother
You bet I’d show them all a thing or three
They’d have starred me in “The Thief”
For it’s mothers firm belief
Margaret Illington could never steal like me
If the Shuberts only took a tip from mother
I’d be starring like a star was never starred
Leslie Carter and that bunch
Would be at Childs a serving lunch
If the managers only thought the same as ma

2. My mother goes to all the shows
   She knows what ev’ry woman knows
   She knows Maude Adams knows a thing or two
   But when she saw her in that play
   She said to me that very day
   “My child, she doesn’t know as much as you”
   So I got busy with my pen
   And wrote to Charlie Frohman then
   I asked him if he wouldn’t star me quick
   His answer nearly knocked me dead
   For in his letter Charlie said
   “I didn’t even know that you were sick”

Chorus
If the managers only thought the same as mother
I’d act like Sarah Bernhardt never did
Harry Miller would forget Margret Anglin you bet
He would want me as his real supporting kid
If Frohman only took a tip from mother
He would lable me as Frohman’s only star
Mrs. Fiske would take a drop
To some Broadway candy shop
If the managers only thought the same as ma

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Sung here by Vancha March: