From the show “Sybil”, 1916
Words by Joseph Cawthorn and John L. Golden
Music by John L. Golden
The sheet music:
Accompaniment by Denese Coulbeck:
Lyrics
- When this dancing craze first started
I was nearly broken-hearted
To discover that my shoes were full of feet
That they had no sense of rhythm
Couldn’t do a d-n thing with ’em
But just walk around, then go and find a seat
When I heard the music playing
My poor brain kept on a-saying
“You must move like this”
But one foot’s always late
I knew how I should do it
But I never could get to it
‘Cause my mind and feet would not associate
But now I’ve learned it grand
I can dance to beat the band
But there’s one thing that I cannot understand
Refrain
I can dance with everybody but my wife
We’re out of step, from start till we get through
The trouble is that she insists on leading me
And she does in every other thing we do
I can fox trot like a reg’lar fox with others, so can she
But dance together no! not on your life
It’s just one continous wrangle
We don’t tango, we just tangle
I can dance with every body but my wife
- When my wife finds some new wrinkle
Like a “turn” or “dip” or “twinkle”
She just wraps it up and brings it home to me
Shoves the table in the corner
Then for hours I am a goner
Hopping ’round like an intoxicated flea
Her waist then which I’m pushin’
Is just one great big pin cushion
And my fingers get so stuck up I can’t see
Then we, start in turkey trottin’
She says, “One of us is rotten
And I got a slight suspicion it ain’t me”
We kicked “Welcome” off our mat
We nearly squashed our cat
What Sherman said of war now fits our flat
Refrain
I can dance with everybody but my wife,
I must admit, it makes me awful sore
I think we’d get along, if she wasn’t quite so strong
But she pushes me completely off the floor
She says she’ll take up skating, and I hope she does
And early fall would end my woe and strife
She might forget her hate, if once I get her on a skate
For I can dance with everybody but my wife
- When a couple start in dancing
If you happen to be glancing
You can see before they’ve gone a half an inch
If her toe he merely grazes
And she looks as mad as blazes
You can bet your life they’re married that’s a cinch
But if he’s acting shocking
And he’s stepping on her stocking
And he’s dancing so they ought to go to law
If she don’t let out a holler
You can bet your bottom dollar
That he’s walking on some other fellows squaw
She looks up in his eyes, and then she softly sighs
“I beg of you, please don’t apologize”
Refrain
He can walk on anybody but his wife
He’ll tear her dress, and she says, “That’s all right”
But if her hubby dear
Should act on half as queer
She’ll sue him for divorce that very night
She told a friend one night
“Our quarrel won’t last long
It’s just a temporary little strife”
I don’t mean to be contrary
But it’s a long way to Temporary”
I can dance with everybody but my wife
Sung here by Laurence Rubenstein: